Wednesday, November 11: I'm here tonight for the program on "Boots, Boots, Boots." I have arrived a bit early and sit in the back of the room at the "temporary" Center and find time to observe the many GMSMA members filling up the space. Obviously, they have come prepared for the topic of the night—looking forward to another fine presentation by Mark I. Chester—because at least four out of five men (and tonight, women, as this is one of two programs a year open to women) wear glistening boots of all kinds. Appropriate and kinda nice!

I am also struck by the whole atmosphere this night at the Center, here in the fall of 1998, and cannot help but compare it to a meeting in 1981, seventeen years ago, when GMSMA was in its first year and was unknown outside of a handful of gay men in New York City.

Tonight these leathermen stride in so comfortably and seem so at ease not only with their appearance (many in full leather) but also with their common commitment to s/m. The room is noisy and busy: entrance fees are being collected at the large welcoming table (loaded with colorful handouts), and various GMSMA officers and committee chairmen are circulating, conducting last-minute business before the announcements and the presentation begin. There are important and interesting things going on. The room is bright. And most people know each other. If one thing is evident, it's the spirit of camaraderie—it's a friendly place to be. There is nothing intimidating about this gathering. No inhibitions here. After all, it's been a long time since the s/m closet has been ripped off its hinges here in Gotham and around the country, due in large part—thank you!—to our organization.

I wish you were there in the early days. Then, perhaps, you could appreciate the immense leaps we have made not only as a group but also as s/m individuals. Did you know, for instance, that we were first known as "SM/NY (pronounced Samny): The Gay Male S/M Support Group." That name was abandoned rather quickly, and it became "The New York Gay Men's S/M Support Group." Finally, in January 1981, we became "Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)."

I recall one of my first meetings. It was not far from Union Square in a business loft owned by one of the members. The lobby of the building was deserted that night while I waited for the elevator to take me to the loft. Once there, I had to maneuver through aisles stacked with merchandise before I got to an area cleared for the meeting. There were about fifteen chairs arranged in two rows facing a small table up front, which evidently was to be used by the speaker that night. Someone said hello when I entered, but otherwise it was rather quiet and dimly lit—everything was pretty low-keyed. Only a couple of guys seemed to know each other, and they were obviously the organizers of the group. The rest of us sat quietly and, it seemed, a bit apprehensively, waiting for whatever it was we had come for. There were about a dozen of us present, and we were "cautiously attired": Levis (worn), boots (maybe), leather vests (a few), denim shirts (de rigueur), and an occasional leather motorcycle jacket. Not a very unusual or particularly identifiable gathering, just a run-of-the-mill Spike-Eagle-Ramrod-looking bunch.

In those early days, one could sense a mild trepidation on the part of most of the men attending a meeting for the first time. Perhaps they were a bit intimidated by the newness of the experience, even though one of the main goals of GMSMA from the start was to provide a forum for discussion of s/m in a non-threatening environment. However, there were the unspoken, subrosa emotions swirling around inside our heads—well, at least inside this head. The questions: Is this for real? Are they actually going to analyze and instruct us on all those s/m things that I've been doing for years? Well, it would be this and more: a new organization that would be primarily a support group helping individuals understand their s/m proclivities in their most positive sense. There would be focus on the social, educational and political aspects of s/m. And we should remember that political activism was an area where no other s/m organization at that time had ventured.

It is amazing how the self-consciousness many of us felt that evening would very soon turn to great pride in GMSMA, and that such an approach to gay male s/m could and would be successfully realized within the next two years. I sat there among that handful of mainly unrecognizable men in those two rows of chairs, and by the end of the evening I felt very good. And little did I know then that in a matter of a few weeks I would be giving my first presentation.

Those early meetings shared little in common with today's high-powered meetings. What was a small, close-knit group of gay s/m New Yorkers is now a worldwide activist organization in the vanguard of every aspect of the s/m experience, and especially s/m acceptance. That little acorn has become an imposing oak. If today we seem a bit blasé about what we do, let's remember that in the old days we somehow needed to clear our throats before we discussed things like "ass play" and "genitorture"—well, almost! But there was then, as there is now, that sexual frisson we felt during our meetings.

I see Mark I. Chester signal that he's ready if we are. So John, our chairman, will try to bring the meeting to order. The room is packed and very noisy by now; last-minute arrivals search for space. There is a great sense of anticipation. John calls for order. Yeah, it's great to be here!

Nothing like the old days ... if you know what I mean ... still, plus ça change ...

(Ray was the first chairman of GMSMA.)

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